So You Want to Live in Coconut Grove?

To the Editor:

Dear Aspiring Resident of Coconut Grove,

Does a “starter home” for $5 million — preferably paid in cash — sound enticing?
Do you enjoy not paying state income taxes or wasting time voting in local elections?
Do you get a certain frisson from right angles, squares and rectangles?
If asked to define a “Neighborhood Conservation District,” would you say:
    A. Untold yards of concrete
    B. Plastic grass
    C. A postage-stamp swimming pool
    D. All of the above
Rather than waste money on an alarm clock, would you prefer waking up for free to a bit of hammering and the sonorous sounds of trucks backing up?
Do gigantic empty rooms and huge swaths of glass make your interior designer giddy?
Does $400 for dinner for two in the ’hood seem like a good deal?
Would you rather buy an avocado or mango than pick one from some annoying tree?
Do you own stock in FPL?
Can you find Aspen and Asheville on a map?

If you answered yes to all of the above — and D for No. 4 — have we got the place for you.

Located on Biscayne Bay, a stone’s throw from Miami City Hall — where residents can express their petty frustrations to elected officials for two minutes or less, absolutely free — Coconut Grove is the place to be. And now’s the time to get in on the action, while prices are still reasonable. Act now and our local chamber of commerce will send you a “suitable for framing” picture of an oak tree and an advance copy of Joe Carollo’s upcoming memoir, Pride and Prevarication, with a foreword by The Florida Bar.

Michael Langlois
Coconut Grove