Waiting for the Dough: A Play in One Act about the Coconut Grove Playhouse

To the Editor:

Scene: The lobby bar of a downtown hotel where a program entitled “Developing The Magic City” is about to begin. Two people in business attire are sipping espressos at a stand-up table in the middle of many others similarly occupied.

Players: Beeg, a developer of high-rise condos for the wealthy, and Thizway, his zoning lawyer.

Beeg: I knew you’d be here. Every overpriced zoning lawyer in town is here. Just kidding. You’re worth every penny.

Thiz: Of course we’re all here, and so are all of you, every developer of note from Key West to Palm Beach. Some even say we hire you and not the other way around. No matter. We are joined at the hip. Do you ever wonder why there are hardly ever any lawyers representing the neighbors opposing our projects?

Beeg: It’s because they’re too cheap, right?

Thiz: You’re wrong, as usual. Ha! It’s because anyone who did — except for a couple of do-gooder morons willing to work for peanuts — would be blackballed by you, and by the City and the County, too. We’re a closed shop, doncha know.

Beeg: Well, those neighbors, with or without legal help, have certainly put up quite a fight to “Save the Playhouse” since 2005. What do you think this morning’s talk, “The Future is CI,” will cover? Sounds like a fairy tale to me.

Thiz: Until the old Melreese Public Golf Course got converted to Freedom Park, we “practitioners” never much considered either Civic Institution (CI) zoning or Civic Space (CS) zoning. Melreese was CS because it was mainly open space, so it was about use. CI, on the other hand, is mostly about buildings — density, parking, stuff like that.

Beeg: Now you’re making my eyes glaze over…

Thiz: Yours and everybody else’s, thank God. CI was put in Miami 21 with lots of restrictions, since it includes tons of properties — ones the code says are for “community-oriented purposes” dedicated to arts and culture, education, recreation, religion, government, and the like. Some could even be designated historic, like the Playhouse, which adds a whole other layer of difficulty to redevelopment.

Beeg: I weep for you. NOT! Zoning difficulties are your bread and butter! Thizway, you make our elected public servants see it our way. I’ve always thought it should be easy to redevelop church properties when they’ve lost their followers, or theaters like the Playhouse when they’re not making enough money. I can’t understand why it’s so hard!

Thiz: OK, here you go. Imagine if you’re a private developer, not the County, which has to say it continues being a Playhouse or lose the Miami Forever bond money. To redevelop the Playhouse, you’d first have to go before the Historic Preservation Board, then get a waiver or exception or both, and then build according to the regs of the most restrictive abutting transect zone — which is the Little Bahamas single-family residential zone. And then you’d have to follow something called Miami 21’s “Guiding Principles,” with b.s. like “reinforce community identity” and “be distinctive and appropriate” and “preservation of historic resources to affirm the continuity of the community.”  

Beeg: While translating ridiculously vague language is your specialty, I’d never step into a swamp like that!

Thiz: Exactly! So, the obvious answer would be to rezone the whole damn thing. The Code even says you can do that if it ceases to be a Playhouse. Maybe the County is hoping that the remaining historic façade falls down!

Beeg: Do you think CI rezoning for private for-profit developers like me would be possible, even with more election campaign donations? Would the magic words “Affordable Housing” still give enough cover? The neighbors in every district — not just the Grove — would go bonkers!

Thiz: That’s why we’re here today, to hear what could be possible. One of the commissioners has even proposed allowing every CI property in Miami to be able to upzone “as of right” to our favorite high-rise category without any public hearings.

Beeg: Do you really think that’s possible?

Thiz: Dunno. All I can tell you is the commissioners deferred it instead of denying it and killing it off. Who knows? Once they and the mayor have all packed off to Freedom Park, they might even try adding CS-zoned properties, including Dinner Key, City Hall, and most of the Grove’s waterfront. Why not? So, stay tuned! Let’s go back in and see what else this distinguished panel has for us today.

THE END

Andy Parrish
Coconut Grove